ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
