I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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