i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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