I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
