If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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