I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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