Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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