I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
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Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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