i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.