Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey