just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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