the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
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She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
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I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
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