if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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