I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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