I accidentally had phone sex last night
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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