we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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