I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
