Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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