Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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