Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
