I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
