Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
