One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
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Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
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Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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