The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
