saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
