he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Randomize
