i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
