He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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