You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
