Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
People in love make me want to vomit
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
