After last night, I could never be a politician.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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