Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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