if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
