my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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