I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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