I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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