If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
