its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize