I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
