im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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