just tell him i said nine months
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
