Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Randomize
