cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
