you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My ATM looks so different sober.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
