Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
