I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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