Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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