Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
