I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
