hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
