so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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