So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
