My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
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she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
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I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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