mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
