Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life