Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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