i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
